I’m not saying it was a bad summer. It just could’ve been better. I could’ve traveled more. I could’ve gone outside and skated in the sun. I could’ve read more books. Gotten paper cuts and scraped knees instead of bruised knuckles and a slitted throat. Not that I want paper cuts. Or scraped knees. Or anything. I think I’m at that age where I don’t want much. I must be, because I don’t seem to want anything at all lately.
Summer was fine, I guess. I went to Portugal with my mom. We went and saw a castle and ate ham sandwiches and swam in the ocean. She got me those fancy tiles to hang in my room, and I got to sleep all day for the rest of the break. Sounds really nice, yeah? Well, I lied. I didn’t do any of that. I’ve never even been to Portugal. I read all that in a magazine while at the psychiatrist’s office. Honestly, I don’t even like Europe. I guess it’s cool, but it looks so snobby. If someone ever tells me they spent their summer trapezing around Europe and eating baguettes, I just assume they’re a rich snob.
But whatever. My actual summer was fine. Boring, even. I never even left my room. No, that’s another lie. I did leave. I left the entire country. I left the continent! I didn’t go to Europe, though I think it’s probably similar to where I went. I went to Hell. You think I’m lying, I know you do. Everyone I’ve talked to has said I’m lying or in a delusion or whatever the hell regressing means. I’ve talked to so many psychiatrists. I’ll kill the next psychiatrist I meet. And that’s not a lie, because I killed demons, I can totally kill a middle aged woman who sits in a chair and pretends to look sympathetic for a living.
You wanna know about that? Well, fine. I wasn’t gonna leave my room at all this summer. I had a whole master plan— I was going to eat my weight in ham and play video games until I rotted. They were gonna have to peel my corpse off my bed. It was amazing. The perfect summer, eh? Eh? Whatever, you don’t get it. That’s probably why you’re here, you have no friends because you have shit taste and now you want to kill yourself. Am I right? I know I am, you don’t need to tell me. I don’t actually care at all.
Anyways, I didn’t get to do my epic summer plan. I got like, a week of gaming before everything went to Hell. Literally. One minute, I was chilling, playing a little Diablo. I was in the middle of a fight. And I was winning, of course. But then the lights went out. Not too much of a problem, usually, but when I say the lights went out, I mean everything went out. Like, my whole PC just crashed. The screen went totally black. I was so pissed! All that work for nothing?! I hadn’t even saved!
So obviously, I punched the screen. I’m not super strong. I’m like, average. Sometimes I struggle to open a door, but whatever, we all have our weaknesses. But get this, the screen totally shattered. I freaked out, man. I’m not that strong, and I thought those screens were supposed to be made of tougher stuff than that. I guess not, because my poor PC imploded.
I didn’t even get a chance to grieve that, or even process, because guess what? The empty PC shell became a vacuum— no, a portal! And it sucked me right in, threw me into literal Hell! I was terrified, honestly. Who wouldn’t be? One moment, you’re playing a video game, and then suddenly you’re in Hell? Worse, I wasn’t alone. The devil was there. Yes, The Devil. The big guy. Satan or whatever. I don’t know, I don’t read the Bible.
Satan was actually a chill guy. I thought I was dead, at this point, so I expected to be tortured or something. But he didn’t do that. He shook my hand. Satan shook my hand! That was cool. Except, he followed that by saying I was the chosen one who would fight some demon revolution. That was, uh… less cool. Don’t get me wrong, it sounds cool in theory, but keep in mind that I’ve literally never left the country before this. I’ve never been in a fight. No way I could fight off a bunch of demons!
Satan didn’t seem to think so. He just kinda patted me on the head when I said that and shoved a sword into my hands. Now that I think about it, why a sword? Why not, like, a nuclear bomb? Whatever. Satan’s weird, man. Satan’s really weird. He didn’t even give me any training. What was I supposed to do? Actually fight demons?
Ok, so, I should tell you that I lied a little before. I’ve never actually killed a demon. I could still kill a psychiatrist, though. I could totally kill a psychiatrist. Even if I didn’t kill a demon, what I did down there was super badass. Let’s set the scene a little. So I’m in hell, right? Satan’s here. He’s talking about the guy I have to kill. I’m holding a sword that was really more of a slightly longer knife. It’s hotter than Satan’s ballsack— actually, his hand was kinda cold when I shook it, so I probably need a better saying… Whatever. It’s hot, I’m not thinking right.
I’m thinking that I need to get out of here. I’m thinking that I really, really don’t want to fight demons. I’m thinking of my perfect summer, and I’m thinking about my god-tier plan, and I’m thinking of how shitty this all is. I’m thinking, and just looking at that sword knife thing, and Satan is not shutting up, and I’m just, I’m just going insane, because everything already sucked to begin with. I’ll be real, I don’t have any friends, so I was standing there with that sword knife, and I just acted, I guess?
Oh my god, I didn’t kill myself. How would I be here yapping? No, no. I stabbed Satan. Bad idea, ‘cause he went and sliced my neck open. With his nail-claw things. Which was rude, in my opinion. Super rude. He’s fine, he’s immortal, but I’m not! I kinda expected him to help me, but he just stood there while I choked on my own blood. I guess he gets off on that kinda stuff? I mean, he tortures people for a living. Makes sense, I don't know why I was surprised.
I didn’t even die in Hell. Can you die in hell? I mean, I guess so, but I didn’t. Everything was going all blurry, and then I woke up in the hospital with my mom screaming at me. That bitch.
Yayyy. I survived. And was instantly whisked off to this psych ward, to talk psychiatrists who think I’m lying and pussies like you who’d rather kill yourself than… I don’t even care why you’re here.
Bet your summer could never be as bad as mine. Just try to top it. I’ll kill you! And I stabbed Satan, so do you really want to try me? Yeah, I didn’t think so!